ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize