I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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