I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
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