Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
