Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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