its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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