He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
