awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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