Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
