He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
