I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
