omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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