hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
