I think my vagina is haunted
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
