The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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