"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
