I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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