i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
