I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
