Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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