we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize