he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We are all done wearing pants today
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
