happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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