Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When did angry sex become our thing?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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