When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
