i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize