And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
