no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
