Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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