Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
