I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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