He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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