i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
