I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
