How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
