Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
