I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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