Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
