so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
smell my finger.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
