Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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