I love black thongs
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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