They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
