I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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