I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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