I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
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