Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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