fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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