I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
