Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
