Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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