ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize