Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
