wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
