My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
