my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
