omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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