Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My liver just broke up with me...
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
