I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
