dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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