"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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