about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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