my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
