I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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