I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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